"It's another night in hell...another soldier has to yell, tell my wife and children i love them in his last breath..."

baby you have no idea how worried about you i am....please be safe....


"It's a matter of salvation from the patience up above so don't give up so damn easy on the one you love..."

<3 <3 <3

Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage

one of those days, where I'm not happy with anything, nothing can satisfy me. Just went out to dinner with some family friends which was great. Until we got home (at 9 o'clock...) and mom told me i couldn't go out.....just because they're old and lazy and w/e...i have to stay home?!?!?! Days like this make me realize how much i hate my life here at home, and i need to go to college and get away, far far away. LIke very soon. I'm the kinda person that holds in everything, all my secrets, all my emotions....then when i get angry, kinda like now....i explode, and basically break down. i cry, i throw a little mini fit when mom n dad come in my rooom n ask me why i'm staying in here all locked up. i feel like no one understands me, which makes me angry because i am a very simple person to please, and understand. i want to be with friends, when i feel like having fun, and when i feel like being alone, leave me alone!! like really...how hard is that? i don't know. apparently impossible. mom gets mad when i don't talk to her about stuff....."stuff...." if i talked to her about all my problems, she would think i was, 1. insane (i would be in an institute right now...) 2. stupid, because i love him, and she would never understand why. and lastly 3. immature, when in reality, i'm ten times more mature than all my friends and all.. she really doesn't know how good she has it, i could be so bad, get in so much trouble, sneek out to see him in the midddle of the night. but i don't, i'm not....and yet she still complains when i want to be left alone and when i won't talk to her......


ok enough venting, i think i'm just gonna go to bed..... nite everyone :)

(hope everyone had a great holiday!!! and happy 2009!!!!!!!!!!!)

.....so in reality, my Edward, the guy that's leaving in like 3 weeks, is going to be nothing but a dream for a very long time.....he's falling off the face of the earth in 3 weeks for 6 years. I love him, but I'm not sure I can wait, and he understands that, but he insists on waiting for me, even if I'm not here when he gets back....which makes me feel bad in itself. But my "boyfriend..." has suddenly come back into my life, the one that I am madly in love with, that I hadn't seen in 11 months. Well I saw him two weekends ago, and I was so happy, for three days..... then i stopped smiling and stopped being happy. Because he left again. We got in a fight and he's being.....completely unreasonable about it all together...

.......so to add to this little problem, let me add another guy to the story, I promise I'm not a skank....I don't hookup with random people. This guy's in my grade at school, that I thought i was starting to fall for a little while back. We went out on one date, hooked up.....things got awkward, we stopped talking for like two weeks. Now he's back, surprise. And i love spending time with him, but he wants more again...and i keep telling him no. We hung out during our open period yesterday, and were just talking for a while and ended up kissing again, which....was really nice.

I love my "boyfriend" so much, but him not understanding (that me being 17...) that i can't just get up and walk out of the house and be like oh I'm gonna go see my 20 year old boyfriend mom. no. I've come up with plans to get out of the house, but he wants more time together. And so do i. but i can't disappear for 4 hours.....(he lives almost 2 hours away...) and i feel horrible that I'm "covering him up" by hooking up with this other guy. Horrible, he deserves better...

....he deserves the old me....

but i don't know where to find her....

"forbidden to remember, terrified to forget."

this book is taking over my life, it's kinda scary....I'm so addicted to it. I think because every time i read it i think about him more and more, and how much i miss him and how much it hurts. How much I want to love him, but I know that he deserves better. Because I still love who he refers to as, the other one...I cannot give all of myself to him, it is not fair to him....

"love gives someone the power to break you..."

How crazy is it to fall in love with someone you've never met. You've never heard their voice, only the sound of them typing to you....???

I'm in love. With someone I've never met...I've never spoken to him on the phone. The only thing that connects us is the internet. Our little "love" story is so much light twilight it scares the shit out of me....

....for a week he's been trying to convince me t hat he's this mean horrible person, and that he can't be around me, that he's not good for me. No matter what he tells me, I don't care...I love him.

We were talking about past relationships and I kept telling him how badly I've been hurt and how I have some really bad trust issues. And yet for some reason, I would trust him with my life. I don't know him, and I trust him more than anyone I know, I can't explain it....

...He's so far away, and he's 21. We can't be together. But we need each other...

In January he's basically falling off of the face of the earth for 6 years. Military basic training, and has no control over where he is stationed. Which ruined our little plan for seeing each other on my 18th B-day because he could be half way across the world by then....

I tried explaining it to my best friend, because I had to tell someone how in love I was, and she think I'm insane....and maybe I am....but i don't care....


that's all for now, hope all is well.....

so i saw him. for the first time in eleven months. i met him outside of school, and i was a mess with my jeans and uggs, and a huge sweatshirt, my hair was a mess, but later that night, he told me how beautiful i looked :D we just sat there for a half an hour, not talking, just looking at each other, he was holding my hand, occasionally he'd lean in to kiss me. but that was it, nothing. but it felt like so much more than nothing, it felt so perfect. I didn't feel like i had to do anything, we were just so comfortable sitting with each other, holding each other, kissing when we wanted to, holding hands, and looking into each others eyes. After not seeing him for 11 months i expected him to be all over me i guess, but he wasn't, and it was a surprise. A pleasant surprise. I really love how we can do that. When i think about yesterday, with him, I go back and yell at myself for ever thinking about breaking up with him....i love him. i really do.....i only hope he feels the same, hope all is going well for everyone.... <3

so as the subject indicates, and I'm apologizing in advance if it seems like childish drama...but i really need help....

...so theres this guy...

i know, not the best start. lol.
i think i like him. I'm not positive, but I'm very sure that i do. and i told him last night (I have no idea what possesed me to do that...haha) and he likes me too apparently, and i was like ok, what now. and he said well if i was you I would ask me out, and i did. so we're gonna hang out n all. here comes the problem....

...one of my really good friends has been like crazy in love with him for the past year. And i'm afraid she'll think that I'm "dating" him because she likes him, which is not true at all. I've liked him for almost 4 years now..and i know she's just gonna hate me when she finds out, which she eventually will. I can't hide it from her forever...AHHH!!!!!!!!! i love her to death and she's gonna kill me...i know she is..... :/

R.I.P aunt cassie
the best and biggest phillies fan i knew....
....before your death you told us, "I do not want you to cry at my funeral, celebrate my life." which of course only made us cry more. you were the best person I have ever known...and you will forever be in our hearts and on our minds when the Phillies win the world series.

before the passing of my aunt, similar to charlie manuel's mother, my aunt told us, "the phillies are gonna win...i just know the phills can do it" my aunt cassie was always right. so therefore.....

GO PHILLIES :) it's time for that trophy to come to Philly, where it belong....

so for all you phillies fans out there reading this....first of all WHOOOHOOO i loveyou already cause you love the phillies. second of all i'm a bit upset about the game last nite, i know it was raining but they didn't look good, and I'm worried about Cole, hurting his finger "bunting" haha. someone needs to teach him how to do that correctly. I volunteer. haha.

life.....

.....is prety good right now. i can't really complain. ok, actually i have to. haha. but that's just me. i always find something to complain about. i need to stop doing that. so this guy that i'm "with" i haven't seen in ten months. and i just feel like he's way too good for me and i don't deserve him. about 7 months ago he came to surprise me and visit me at work, only to drive into the parking lot to see me kissing this other guy. which hurt him really bad......but he STILL LOVES ME....he's such a good guy. and i haven't seen him in ten months and all he keeps telling me is how much he can't wait to see me, and just lay in quiet, as long as we're together. that's all he wants. and it's sooo sweet. but for some reason i don't know if i love him....maybe it's because of the seperation, because sometimes i miss him like crazy, but then i forget about him for like a week. sooo...idk if it's the whole...seperation makes the heart grom fonder. but...i don't know what to say to him because he's super sensitive and if i tell him this, he's gonna freak out and think i'm trying to get rid of him....sooo....anyway. other than that life's goood. haha. there's always drama with my friends at schoool but i've almost learned to ignore it. it gets ridiculous and out of hand and control. and i don't have much of a choice but to tune it out, or lose my mind. so it's w/e now.....

hope all is well with you guys :)

that's all for now

thanks for all the comments guys......especially for all of you who said "that's ridiculous..." (which was a lot of you, and yes, it is...) my mom called the police about it and got a police report incase they actually do something about this asshole.which hopefully they will, and when we picked up the report, the officer told us that we shoudl do something about that, and get a lawyer, and fight wachovia, which about ten ppl have told us. i don't know how many more times my parents have to hear that from someone before they actually do something about it. but i think they're considering it....because wachovia is continuing to screw us over and they're still not happy about us paying that money back, neither am I of course because my savings was virtually emptied. sooo....that's all for now. thanks again for all the support everyone :)

so we're legally responsible for the money...guess i'm gonna be working my ass off for a long time.

...i just don't get it.

the guy told us, "bank laws..." w/e. bank laws aren't even up with government laws, their they're own little laws. which is not right at all......

.....AHHHHHHHHHHH...........

sorry in advance if i'm affending anyone if you might work for wachovia, but that company is giving my family a lot of shit right now....

....so i sold my car. online. i know what you're thinking, my fault for selling it online. no. we were 110% safe about EVERYTHING and didn't give out personal information. a guy "bought it" send us a check in the mail. told us to wait until the check clears to contact him to pick up the car. we had to pay his shipper 4,000 out of the check he sent us, because it was being sent to seattle. well it was supposed to. wachovia cleared the check about four days ago.....then....yesterday, wachovia calls my mother. told her the $7000 check bounced and replacing the money was our responisibility. even after THEY cleared the check, WE have to pay for money we never really had??? WTF!!! that's not right, at all....she was driving home and had to pull over....

....people are such assholes. he made up this entire company. ck it out.... http://www.netbraintech.com/ it's all fake....wow.....we're reporting it to the BBB because the check he wrote came from this company.

this guy went through a lot of shit to scam us. and i am just pissed as hell...and my mother is a wreck and so is my dad. we're fighting with the bank right now. we don't have that kind of money to just give to the bank...my uncle is trying to help.....i just don't know what to do. all of our bank accounts are frozen right now so we can't touch money we don't have??? that doesn't make sense to me because both i and my parents have negative amounts of money in our accounts because it boucned. wtf......

w/e i have such a headache right now. i just can't even grasp what happened. i just wanna kill the asshole....

it happened. i knew it would. i was just hoping not this soon. hoping that i might have time, and might be able to prevent it. but no.....there was no stopping it. or him. i saw him with a girl, already.....already. i guess i shouldn't be so surprised or upset. but i am.....

.......i guess that's it for now.....

I had a pretty productive weekend. unfortunately not school work wise. lol....
.....i realized how much i appreciate a lot of stuff, and how much my friends mean to me. and all the stuff we've gone through. most of it all happening in the past 8 months. I swear....i've never had so much drama in less than a year. but i have to say, it has changed my life, and not necesarily for the better either. the bad part: i lost the best friend of my life about 8 months ago, to an older man......'nough said about that...

....moving on....

....on a brighter note, back to all ths good things i appreciate. my friends! i love them all so dearly. t- you helped me through my litttle pregnancy scare, and i helped you through yours. although i have to say t, you were a bit more calmer than i. lol. a- girl i love you so much. i don't think i tell you enough how much you mean to me. i love being with you, no matter what s says. please don't listen to her and what she says about our friendship. j- we've gotten so close in the past few months, and i'm so happy that we became such good friends!!i love talking to you about all our problems. lol. which we seem to have a lot of. haha. and last but not least, s. honey you know i love you, but you really need to lighten up, and stop freaking out about me and a. yes i love her, but i've been friends with you forever and ever. ok??? so please relax, and stop hanging with she who shall not be mentioned. i'm not jealous, i'm pissed. you promised....please. stop. i can't lose you to her. and i think i am already.

that's all for now.

lovee

So it's just one of those days so far. I'm tired. Didn't get too much sleep last nite. and we all know how getting up at 6 am is. sucks. and i got up late this morning, so i forgot like everything at home, and it's only like the second week of school, so i'm not doing too great right now...

....on a brighter note.....or maybe not?
the guy i like from work is coming to my school!! i know, amazing right? then why am i upset? because he is a.....party? kinda guy, which there is nothing wrong with that at all, i love to party and have fun too. he's just the kind that falls for the kinda girl that's hott, popular, and shit like that. one night stands at parties basically. and i really don't want him to be like that. like there's a lot of pretty girls in my school, that are gonna sweep him off his feet, and i've been working so hard at work just to get him to notice me. i fell for him so hard so fast, and i'm not ready to give that up to a bunch of girls who just wanna hook up with him cause he's hott. and im almost positive that it will only take him ONE day here to ruin everything i did this summer and hook up with some girl he doesn't even know. i'm scared that he'll forget aout me.... :[ i don't know what to do....

ugh. school.....kinda a waste of my time right now. it's like all the beginning of the year shit, like, "let's get to know everyone," like we're all in kindergarden or something. if i'm here, i wanna be busy, keep my mind going, so i don't end up wasting half my life on facebook or myspace, kinda like i did this summer. idk....it's senior year, three days in, and i have senior-itis already. haha. my GPA's kinda low so my parents are up my ass about getting it up to get into college, which i understand, i just wish they would back off and trust me to know that i have to do it myself without them telling me. it's a real pain, and not getting it up any faster. haha. that's about it. it's only 10.30 am, and i wanna go back to bed. this 6 am thing is killing me....idk how i manage to drive to school every morning and make it. lol. i'm like dead until lunch. oh well.....that's it for now. laterrrrrr :D

i would have to give up my sight. seeing isn't nearly as important to me as hearing. music is my life, and i would die if i wasn't able to listen to the sweet sound. i could no doubt live without seeing, i would have to learn to deal and get around in other way. it would be a learning experience for me, and i believe that a challenge like that woud be good for me. teach me to try, and not to give up :)